Ugh, Blargh and the World’s Worst Superhero: Miami, FL

Hour 1: It’s hot, humid, cloying and clammy. The ACs blasting and I’m heading down the coast. It looks quite pretty. I keep thinking that this place is Hawaii, but I’ve never been there. That’s odd.

Road Bridge

Hour 3: I forgot to mention that the area surrounding Kennedy Space Centre is primarily populated by strip clubs. Space men have their space needs, I guess. It continues to be hotter than is reasonable.


Hour 13: The air is thick. I can drag my fingers through it like it’s treacle. Hopefully the morning will be cooler.

The Sea and the Yacht

Hour 26: It’s not cooler. It’s hotter. I fear for my sanity, I think my brain is becoming a thick soup. I’ve gained an appreciation for the Floridians: I’ve been here just over a day and I’ve already forgotten how to vote. Does it involve tapioca?

Fields and Things

Hour Cupcake: You can’t escape the heat and the humidity. There’s nothing you can do to make yourself feel better. I don’t blame Dexter for turning to killing. I try distracting myself with some art deco buildings.

Art Deco District

Day Infinity: The heat is the worst.

Art Deco District

Hur free: But the humidity is the worst too.

Art Deco District

And it’s midwinter. This is where people go when they die. Or based on the demographics, where people wait to die.

As I drive to the outskirts of Miami, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life, much worse than that body I found. It’s not merely a stretch limo. It’s not even just a stretch 4×4 limo. It is a stretch Porsche 4×4 limo. Hell is empty, and all the devils are pissed in the back of an abomination of a vehicle.

But I’ve finally found out what Goldfish crackers are. Now I’m a shoo-in with CJ:

Goldfish Crackers

By the next morning, I’ve finally cracked. I’m utterly mad now, I’m mad enough that I can recognise my own madness. It comes in the form of ordering a salad. I ordered a salad. What has become of me? I’m nothing more than an animal. And not even a good animal that eats other animals. I’ve become a lame plant eater. A grass muncher. And now that I belong with them, I’m off to Miami zoo:

Tiger at Miami ZooMiami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo Miami Zoo

Okay, I’ll strive to say something nice about Florida, it has given us one good thing and that thing is Florida Man, the world’s worst superhero .


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