Hour 1: It’s hot, humid, cloying and clammy. The ACs blasting and I’m heading down the coast. It looks quite pretty. I keep thinking that this place is Hawaii, but I’ve never been there. That’s odd.
Hour 3: I forgot to mention that the area surrounding Kennedy Space Centre is primarily populated by strip clubs. Space men have their space needs, I guess. It continues to be hotter than is reasonable.
Hour 13: The air is thick. I can drag my fingers through it like it’s treacle. Hopefully the morning will be cooler.
Hour 26: It’s not cooler. It’s hotter. I fear for my sanity, I think my brain is becoming a thick soup. I’ve gained an appreciation for the Floridians: I’ve been here just over a day and I’ve already forgotten how to vote. Does it involve tapioca?
Hour Cupcake: You can’t escape the heat and the humidity. There’s nothing you can do to make yourself feel better. I don’t blame Dexter for turning to killing. I try distracting myself with some art deco buildings.
Day Infinity: The heat is the worst.
Hur free: But the humidity is the worst too.
And it’s midwinter. This is where people go when they die. Or based on the demographics, where people wait to die.
As I drive to the outskirts of Miami, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life, much worse than that body I found. It’s not merely a stretch limo. It’s not even just a stretch 4×4 limo. It is a stretch Porsche 4×4 limo. Hell is empty, and all the devils are pissed in the back of an abomination of a vehicle.
But I’ve finally found out what Goldfish crackers are. Now I’m a shoo-in with CJ:
By the next morning, I’ve finally cracked. I’m utterly mad now, I’m mad enough that I can recognise my own madness. It comes in the form of ordering a salad. I ordered a salad. What has become of me? I’m nothing more than an animal. And not even a good animal that eats other animals. I’ve become a lame plant eater. A grass muncher. And now that I belong with them, I’m off to Miami zoo:
Okay, I’ll strive to say something nice about Florida, it has given us one good thing and that thing is Florida Man, the world’s worst superhero .